And Now… Tortured Thoughts

What do you do when there is nothing left but to scream………. scream as hard as I can until I can’t anymore….?? The pain is still there…. It won’t stop. What do you do when you cannot find answers to any more questions….? When the questions, themselves, no longer seem to matter…

Is this what it is to wish for the quiet of death? You know that you have a responsibility to all those you love and who count on you, so of course it’s just not an option. But how pathetic that a “sense of responsibility” is what stands between continued suffering and the release of death! Fucking sucks.

On the grand scale, my existence means nothing… except to the few who have remained with me in my life. My desires for someone/something are irrelevant to the bigger reality staring us ALL in the face: It’s not just about me… or any of us. Sally loves Joe, but Joe only marginally cares for her…. Sally would set aside her entire life to be with Joe, but Joe has his eye on a few other ladies he works with, so…. nothing in this world can make him change for Sally no matter how hard she cries… prays…. wants. We’d all like to imagine that our feelings mean more to other people… that my heart-break is significant to those whom I love. But it’s not. I live, breathe, exist…. for no particular reason whatsoever. People walk on by… struggling with their own lives. So who am I to expect anything to be different for me, for me to try and claim exclusivity on the caring of others?

I am to blame for every stupid thing that I do. For every chance I take…. and for what? Just to prove to myself that I really am as dumb as I thought??

~ Christina Keep (Stickler) ~


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