The Past Becomes the Present

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I gave my heart, but I’m to blame,

I feel lost, weary, so ashamed…..

 Every day at work, back in 2009, I use to walk myself to and from my desk like some kind of angry robot, and … what I wrote above… I felt that way all day long; I still do.  The only comfort for me, strangely, were the customers who’d call in, seeking help, leniency… asking me to take pity on them and not shut off their phone for fear of the domino-effect it will have on their lives (as many of them are/were jobless.)  And I DID take pity, more than that, I found logical ways to spin the situation around in their favor. Many customers would start out lying to me, but I didn’t care. After awhile of talking with me, they’d relax and just talk, knowing that I was not at all concerned about whether or not I could prove they are liars, nor did they worry whether I was considering if they were deserving of my assistance. I made it clear right away I know full well that we were/are all in this economy together, we have all been in each other’s shoes… and I was aware that personal responsibility was not my place to judge. If so, I ~myself~ would really have been a poster-child for trouble!

My problem is that I am deeply in love with the idea of “love.” It use to be that I  “loved” certain people for the strangest reasons… I’d see what others could not or did not want to see in these individuals, and I freely gave my heart out… sincerely.  Not surprisingly, I set myself up for grave disappointment, because that kind of love hits a stone wall and there it lays, discarded and unnoticed. When I’d ask myself over and over again: why do I fucking care, anyway??  The only answer I could come up with is….. because I’m an idiot.

Even now, I trust too easily.  I feel that I have so much to offer, but it’s just like this economy, where the “interest” market has crashed… therefore, there are no takers at this time. Loneliness can be so all-consuming, like a degenerative disease! But I refuse to have any part of it. Fuck that. And fuck all those who have brought me to this unfortunate realization! Those I’ve loved, who’ve never deserved my love to begin with, will just continue to live their lives, forge ahead, and ignore me. Rather than beat myself up and wonder futilely if it is because I’m no good, not special enough, or in some other way irrelevant, I have taken to silence.  You cannot make someone care, so why fight it?  Best just to shut my mouth, hide my heart, and take solace in the quiet solitude of contemplation… because there exists no fear of rejection, or worse, apathy…. and no one can harm me there… if I don’t let them.

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